It’s Okay To Struggle

I want to be as honest as I can – I struggle. More often than I would like to admit sometimes. I don’t know why but when my life isn’t going the way I envision it or I am piled with stress from every direction, I can’t help but feel a fog come over me. As many of you may know that I used to deal with eating issues, I can gladly say I have that under control completely. I never let my negative feelings interfere with how or what I choose to eat. However, I am one to struggle with overwhelming anxiety and sometimes depressing thoughts…

Today I was sitting in my room and really thought to myself, “my life has no purpose”. I started crying after that because the immense feelings of rejection and loneliness hit me like a bag of cats. Emotional much? Yes. Because I am naturally an introvert, it is so easy for me to spend the entire day by myself without a problem. But when it becomes day after day, I can’t help but feel empty. Now, don’t get me wrong- I become a total extrovert when I am finally around my friends or a group of people, but with a lot of emotional self-image issues I have been dealing with lately, I haven’t even had the motivation to reach out to others.

I do see the problem here- I’m too comfortable being alone. And this is something that I have to change. There is nothing wrong with spending some time with yourself, but there comes a point you have to balance it out, let loose, and be around those that bring you joy.

I have made goals for myself to hang out with my friends at least every other day this week and to even talk to random strangers every day. Sometimes even the smallest conversations with others can make the biggest difference in the course of the day.

I wiped my tears. I will stop feeling sorry for myself. I will not let my negative self-image hold me back from being the REAL me. Because I realize that the more I surround myself with genuine people that make me laugh, all the other stuff becomes quiet. And I can breathe again. My life does indeed have purpose. God does have a plan for me even if I cannot see it yet. I will have faith ❤

“Comfort zones are great places to be, but nothing ever grows there.”

Weekly Recap: Being More Mindful

Is it just me or has this year completely flown by? I mean it’s November now but just last week it was 80 degrees… Definitely took me by surprise when I woke up this morning to 40 degree chills. Just wanted to share my completely mindful, intuitive, stress-free weekend with you all! If you know me well enough you would know I am the biggest planner… but sometimes it’s good to not plan but just go with the flow. You never know what kind of stuff you’ll find yourself doing!

My friend, Jenny and I tried a hot yoga class for the first time. I don’t normally sweat, like EVER, but sweet Jesus, there was sweat droplets flying off! Never have I ever been this drenched, even Jenny who is a runner said this was the most she sweat. The class wasn’t too difficult itself as far as the poses because I am overall pretty flexible… but because it was over 100 degrees I’d say that changes things.

After yoga (and a much needed shower), we found a park. Then we had a picnic on it and talked about life for a while because we just deep like that 😉

Please applaud my dearest friend’s parking. She tried.

But apparently if you do this so often, you get letters from fellow humans from the back of a condom package….

Twas a really relaxing Saturday. Not stressing about finals or even tomorrow’s troubles. Just being present and enjoying the day.

On Sunday, I was visited by my parents. Cannot emphasize enough how blessed I am to have them. They literally make my day anytime they come because family means everything to me. Oh, and they buy me food which is a perk 🙂

I usually have a hard time with last minute things but I got together with a group of people and went bowling to celebrate the end of America on Election Day. We had no class sometimes you just gotta make the best out of a rainy day. Fun fact: I was better at bowling when I was 10.

Overall, I am getting better at trusting life’s curve balls and making the most of tough situations. It helps when I laugh at myself but sometimes it isn’t enough. I laugh, I cry because I am not perfect and not every day will be. I think one of the most interesting things about life is that we all have inner demons but all of it can be forgotten when you surround yourself with the ones that make you feel good.

 

Who in your life are YOU thankful for?

Have you tried hot yoga before?

Afraid Of The Unknown

Fear. It’s an  unsatisfying emotion caused by believing that something bad will happen. We as humans are able to tell when there is a threat, whether that be internal or external. But why are certain things more fearful to some  while others may deem no threat at all?

Me, being the totally Type A, plan-it-all-out, perfectionist struggle with fearing the unknown. There are many aspects of my life that I cannot simply write down in stone and plan out. I have no flippin idea where my life will be in 5 years, in 1 year, and not even in 6 months from now. Because change is inevitable and what my life has shown me so far is that things don’t always go according to plan. So, knowing this, why do I stress myself out over the little things?

I don’t know why. I think the wires in my brain got crossed somehow before I was born and I naturally tend to overthink every little thing…. And I need to work on that. I need to continue to work on practicing more of the things I preach to others. Because it can be so easy to give advice and fail to include yourself…..

Besides my future, I will admit that I am afraid of failure. In so many parts of my life that I could go on for longer than I want to make this post….

But what would I do if I wasn’t so afraid?

Well, for starters I would probably be the most stress-free person you would meet. I would  be way more spontaneous. I wouldn’t settle for anything less than what makes me happy. When I compare how I am doing now than to a year ago, I have made tremendous progress. However, little setbacks like to creep in if I am not careful. But that’s okay. It is OKAY to have “mental funks” as long as you can recognize them and respond in the best way possible.

I don’t want to fear anymore. I want to be fearless and conquer all the things I hold back from myself. Because life shouldn’t be lived worrying about things out of your control. It should be spent cherishing every breathing moment because every second of the day is very precious. I don’t want to take my health for granted. There are so many people out there who have it worse. I want to be more spontaneous in my actions every single day and not freak the hell out if something changes. There is a reason why things happen the way they do even if we don’t always have the answers why.

I will always be a person that values structure and a schedule, but there comes a point where I have to learn to balance it and give myself grace some days. Totally wing it and go with the flow of things. Some of my best memories are the ones that weren’t planned.

Here’s to leaving my comfort zone.

So tell me,

Are you a planner or a go-with-the-flow person?

What is your favorite way to de-stress?

 

 

Birthday Weekend Recap

Here I am, dreaming about this delicious white chocolate cake batter froyo with nutter butters, cookie dough, Reese’s, and almonds as I sit here (froyoless).

As some of you may know, my birthday was yesterday and to celebrate, my parents took me to Chattanooga for the weekend! Now remember that I haven’t had a “vacation” this whole summer because of working full time at Cracker Barrel (thank the heavens I am done).

Saturday we spent touring Ruby Falls which is basically an underground waterfall that you have to walk about a mile inside a mountain to see. Quite fascinating and very chilly under there!

We then visited Lookout Mountain. This is me and my silly dad who took several tries before successfully smiling in this picture.

 

 

 

And this is my momma and I at the restaurant we stuffed our mouths with delicious pasta and chicken!

img_6253The next day we went to Chattanooga Aquarium! I haven’t been there since middle school but it was definitely an euphoric adventure. Didn’t take that many pictures because my battery was low but I will say that the otters were my favorite part 🙂

Here’s ya girl with a butterfly. I laugh because the only reason it’s on my finger is because it had a broken wing… We the same.

Overall, my mentality this weekend was amazing. I didn’t give a damn what I ate and didn’t track a thing. Not once did I exercise because the walking around we did and that’s okay. No matter who you are, you deserve to fully enjoy a weekend away. No stress or worries about the future, just focus on the present. Laugh, try new things, explore, and be there with your loved ones. I am proud of the progress I have made this past year and thrilled to see how it will be next year.

So tell me,

What is your ideal weekend getaway?

Ultimate froyo topping?

What I’ve Been Loving Lately

I’ve been taking time lately to appreciate the little things I am blessed with.

What has been making me happy?

pupp

  1. My puppy. I was home by myself for a weekend and she kept me company and we cuddled and watched movies together. Talk about a great best friend.

 

 

2.Our new hammock! We have been wanting to get one for a while and we finally did. It really is so peaceful and calming.

hammock

3. Maple Sunflower Seed Butter. Yes, so much yes. If you haven’t had sunflower seed butter before it’s exactly how you would expect it to taste- like sunflower seeds. Except it’s creamy and this one has a sweet and salty touch! Perfection on my oatmeal ❤

maple

4. Generosity. If you don’t know by now I am a waitress and a lot of the times I do not get tips from people which really blows since that’s where all my money for the day comes from. The other night I had a really nice couple that made conversation with me and when I went to bus the table once they were done, they gave me $50 in person. I literally didn’t even know what to say. I told them I couldn’t take it considering it was more than their meal but they refused to take it back. It’s little things like that seriously can make someone’s day.

5. SUSHI. Becoming a slow addiction and severe cravings lately. I LOVE the ones with avocado in it like the spicy tuna or salmon roll.

6. Morning naps. I don’t know why but I always wake up super early (like6-6:30 and sometimes even earlier). My body just refuses to sleep past that and it’s sometimes very frustrating. But that doesn’t stop me from taking a morning nap around 10 if needed and feels so refreshing on my days off!

7. Pretty Little Liars. I am a die hard fan of The Walking Dead and OITNB but since I finished those recently, my mom and I have been starting PLL! Only on season 3 but that’s just another reason I can binge watch TV 😉

8. Long nature walks/jogs. Usually I like to go on a long walk with my mom so we can talk and stuff but just this morning I went on a little jog and it felt SO PEACEFUL. Not only was the weather not too hot or humid but it had just rained last night so I could smell the wet asphalt the whole time. I spent that time focusing on my breathing and maintaining a slow, easy pace. I felt like a champ after because if you know me… running isn’t my thing, haha 🙂


 9. High-top converse. I have always been into the low-top look but ever since I got my new white high-tops I really am starting to dig em!

10. Iced Coffee. I have never been a huge caffeine of coffee person but its growing on me. I really appreciate the little boost when needed and cold coffee is just really refreshing. I got a premade one at Walmart because I heard cold brew is a nice blend and it definitely has a kick with 95mg of caffeine!

Tell me,

What’s something YOU are loving lately?

Iced coffee or hot coffee?

Dealing With Not Being The “Small” One

Every day when I look into the mirror, I see a changed woman. I am not longer a girl. I have to unbutton my shorts instead of sliding them on. My clothes fit more snug. I have a little crease where my armpit meets my tank top. I have a new layer protecting my belly.


But all these little things I see in the mirror reflect someone that is strong. No, I’m not egotistical to admit that. I am strong. I never gave up. I didn’t let anorexia take my life. And this is the woman that grew from it.

Sometimes it does make a situation uncomfortable when I look at other girls who look smaller than me. I will admit I let my self-consciousness creep in and it makes me feel insecure. But then I remember that they may be thinking the same thing about me. We often are so critical of ourselves that we forget how other people perceive us. You don’t need to seek reassurance from ANYONE. Instead, learn to do it for yourself. Take control over your own life and own up to it!

I don’t want to be remembered as a small, frail or weak girl. Down the line, being small is not what makes an impact on others lives… not even your own. Being healthy gives you personality, desires, and more passion than any eating disorder will let you have.

So, I’m not the “smallest” girl anymore. When people see me, they would have never known what I had gone through, and that is absolutely refreshing. Because I am not my past. I will not make my past or recovery my lifestyle. I am who I am today and from here on out I will always be striving to be a better version of myself. I will find new passions and hobbies. I will make a shit ton of mistakes but I will pick myself up and try again.

I am relearning to love myself, just as when I was a little kid. Remember those days? When the little pooch on your stomach never crossed your mind? When all you looked forward to was getting an extra scoop of ice cream with your family? When you had the most self-confidence and spoke your mind like most little kids do? Not saying you have to be a little kid or the person you were before, just know that you CAN recreate yourself and be happy, regardless of your size.

 

Balancing Mental & Physical Well-being

Hey guys! I decided to pop in and give a little update on myself since it’s been a hot minute since I blogged. Something I have been really trying to work on lately is my mental and physical well-being and trying to figure out what is right for ME.

For years I spent my time scrolling through social media and the Web to figure out what exactly “healthy” meant. Was it going for a run every day? Lifting weights 5 times a week? Eating only chicken and broccoli? Counting macros?

Want to know what I learned from all of this? Healthy means something different for each individual.

To me, health isn’t just what you are doing, it’s also about what you are thinking and saying. To me, eating only chicken, egg whites and veggies isn’t healthy- for my own physical and mental well-being. For me, running a lot is not healthy simply because I don’t really love it nor should I be doing it until I figure out what’s wrong with my hormones.

Right now healthy means doing what I TRULY want. If that means lounging around all day,

mac

so be it. If that means eating a box of mac and cheese to myself for lunch,

so be it. I am tired of feeling like I “SHOULD” be doing something that is working for someone else.

Life is about discovery, adventure, and experiences. Not wasting your time trying to mold yourself to be like someone else. I am trying to do what fulfills ME for once.

What my workouts have consisted of this week:

Monday: chest/triceps/core

Tuesday: long trail walk with some jogging

Wednesday: back/biceps

Thursday: rest/stretching

Friday: rest

Saturday: 45 leg workout with my mom (still sore…)

Sunday: leisurely swimming in my pool

May not seem like much to some people but I’m not here to try to impress anyone. I don’t like to workout on days that I go to work in the morning because my job is mentally and physically draining and I do not have the energy for it.

shop

Excuse me while I laugh my ass off at this typical “fit girl” pose… lighting was flattering.

Mentally I have been up & down. I still sometimes struggle with being lazy on some days but I know that rest is very important and so is keeping stress levels down.

So tell me…

What is something you truly love to do?

Who is someone you love to workout with?

 

Exercise Obsessed?

Exercise. It’s what keeps people “healthy” right? Usually, yes it does. But what about if it’s all you think about? What if you can’t go a day without it? Do you start feeling anxious and scared? Do you not allow yourself chocolate or pizza on those days?

If you could say yes to any of those, you may be in the same exact position I was just a couple months ago.

Rewind to the first few months of weight gain (a year and a half ago), I completely cut out exercise, including long walks so I could focus on what needed to be done. Then once my  weight was progressing higher and my vitals were appearing more stable, I introduced walks and lifting a few times a week. Fast forward to a couple months ago when I finally reached a healthy weight. Something changed in my brain. Of course I had made tremendous mental and physical progress but as soon as I realized my body wasn’t starving and depleted, I developed a strange relationship with exercise.

Food was still be eaten like I was used to, but the exercise increased. I almost felt like I HAD to go workout 5-6 days a week. I wanted to gain muscle and start “changing” my new, recovered body into something I tend to see in the media. I started tracking macros and following fitness accounts to find out all I could about fitness just of the idea of having “aesthetics”.  Yes, I am admitting to this because I want to be as transparent as I can with you all.

Tracking macros was both a good and bad experience for me. Since I am going to be majoring in dietetics, I wanted to learn more about food/portion sizes/etc. However, I can see where the obsessions can begin. I am already a perfectionist as it is and knowing every single macro was too much for me. I DO NOT recommend this for anyone recovering from an eating disorder. You know why? You won’t listen to your body fully. Plugging it in and seeing numbers is just as bad as weighing yourself every single hour. You freak out if the numbers aren’t what they are “supposed” to be and it will lead to unnecessary anxiety. Food was not meant to be seen as a certain number. Seriously, you do not need to count macros or follow a certain diet to be healthy and fit. Trust me you don’t! I stopped within the second month of using it and I feel SO MUCH MORE FREE. I haven’t lost any muscle and I don’t force myself to workout when I don’t feel like it.

Now you may be reading this and not agree with me. So be it. I know for a fact not everyone in this world likes me. You are totally entitled to your own opinion and if tracking macros makes you happy, go for it. But ask yourself this. Do you really want to continue that the rest of your life? Are you going to be 70 years old and still be tracking? I know I wont. I’ll be that cool old lady that makes awesome chocolate chip cookies and eats the damn batter with my grand kids.

How did I overcome exercise?

I learned that the human body is fragile and very smart. It doesn’t know the difference between today and tomorrow. If I don’t get off my butt for one day, that means absolutely nothing in terms of how much I am allowed to eat. I learned that I don’t need to do obsessive cardio to have a body I love. I really love taking walks outside. I learned that if I don’t go on a walk today, I always have tomorrow. If I don’t lift weights in the morning, I can still have a nice big breakfast if I want or a big bowl of ice cream at night. I learned that all food is important, whether it’s a protein, carb, or fat. They all play an important role one way or another. I learned that my body likes the same amount (or more) food on rest days than active days. I know that intuitive eating means eating even if I am not hungry but if something sounds good.

I have always loved this picture

Our bodies still need fuel even if we do nothing all day. It is a huge waste of time getting all worked up about having dessert at a get together or trying to plan all your food out. If you force yourself to run even though you know you hate it, why are you doing it? Stop for a second and reevaluate if that’s the way you want to live your life. I promise you won’t die if you stop. Life is about discovery and figuring out where you belong and what your true passions are. It’s refreshing to know that you can choose to live it any way you want to.

Here’s a turtle being all intuitive

Me? I choose to do things that make me feel free and happy. I never would have thought I would have learned so much about myself in the ways I have.

So tell me, what is something you truly love to do?

Are you an intuitive eater?

 

 

Making Moments Count

Sometimes, I find myself trying to find things to “fill the time”.  Whenever I am waiting for something or just have nothing to do, I fill the time with mindless things as I keep checking the clock to see how much time has passed. While this can be good if you are distracting yourself from something, why not use that time for something else? Make it count. You may be a little confused at what my point is so lemme give you some things I have been doing lately…

puppyInstead of doing things that I do not want to do like cleaning or scrolling through social media(which I still enjoy sometimes), I have been living life a little more carefree. The other day I took my dog in the backyard and just played with her. That was something I always used to do as a kid because I loved being outside and truly enjoying myself in nature. I was simply more mindful of my surroundings. I felt the damp grass on my toes, smelled the honeysuckle aroma in the air, laughed because my dog was eating a stick instead of bringing it back to me, and just didn’t give a shit what time it was or any obligations I felt I “needed” to do. Following that, I got my swim suit on and let my body toast under the sun.

pool

I wasn’t doing any of this to “pass time”. I was existing. I let all my worries or anxiety leave my body and felt like a kid again. We sometimes forget how precious life is and if you aren’t careful, the days will fly by too fast and you kind of regret not being more present.

This is true for how I spend my nights too. I sit down with my family to eat dinner and it’s no longer a chore and I don’t let myself sit in silence. I talk, I laugh, I eat, just like the rest of them. My voice is just as important and eating with your family is a time to enjoy good food together and just be with each other! It kind of makes me sad when I see that people don’t have this time of day with their loved ones….

I want to start living my life more spontaneous and with an open mind. I hate when I immediately assume the worst of a situation and I am working on changing it to being more positive and willing. This my friends is what makes life so much more meaningful. I know I have the best memories when I just let myself go. Life’s too fricken short to spend it worrying or waiting for the day to be over.

Live right now. Not tomorrow. Not yesterday. Just live ❤

 

 

 

FDOE + What I Did Saturday

Hey guys! I have had a few people asking me to do a full day of eating so I thought I would share a day where eats were more exciting and so I could share more of my amazing day with my mom.

It started out with a morning shoulder/ab workout that I will also share!

Shoulders:

  1. Reverse DB flyes 4 sets 12
  2. Seated DB Arnold Press 4 sets 10-12
  3. DB lateral raises 5 sets 10 each arm
  4. Bottoms Up Kettleball Press 4 sets 10 each arm
  5. Front Raises with Plate 4 sets 15

Abs:

  1. Standing Rainbow Crunches holding DB 20 reps
  2. Side Plank Front Crunch 20 reps both sides
  3. Bosu Ball Leg Lifts 30 reps
  4. Russian Twists holding Medicine Ball 25 reps

(repeat ab circuit twice)

This workout I specifically went for volume instead of heavy weight as I have learned its good to do both and change them up. I also don’t focus on abs that much because when I lift I engage my core with a lot of exercises anyways but I do like to do some additional core work twice a week.

After I came home I had an egg white omelette with kale, broccoli & mushrooms with an english muffin and cream cheese. Don’t know why but I have been obsessed with cream cheese lately ❤

ss3I had a lighter breakfast because I knew we would have an earlier lunch and sometimes I’m not super hungry in the mornings… (but sometimes I’m starving!)

Me and my mom went to Opry Mills which is a huge mall 30 minutes from where I live for a girl’s day. We hit one store before the hunger set in so luckily we were close to the food court. We tried this panini/wrap/salad place and both got the same thing: turkey BLTA (bacon,lettuce,tomato,avocado) wrap with a side of sunchips! It’s been quite a while since I had these chips and they are sooo good.

ss1

Surprisingly, after being really full from this lunch I tried on bras + swim suits and felt so confident in my skin. I no longer see bones. I see curves and it makes me smile. I feel like the woman I am and I realize I am so blessed to have a fully functional body that allows me to walk around the mall, exercise, and just live a normal life.

ss6When I came home I had a small peanut butter craving so I topped one of my no-bake bars with some more peanut butter, craisins and a sprinkle of chia seeds. Held me over for a tad bit while I made my dinner 😉

ss4

For dinner I made a spinach salad with bell pepper, mushroom, black beans, a roasted sweet potato (seasoned with paprika and garlic) with cottage cheese because I’m weird AF 😀 HA, no really, cottage cheese is wonderful with everything.

And yes, every night I like to have a snack before bed. 1) Cravings 2) Keeping my intake in check 3) Nothing is worse than waking up in the middle of the night hungry

As I have been transitioning into intuitive eating I still stay logical about knowing what MY body needs. It’s used to calories before bed and it’s used to having more fuel so I give it just that. Here I have a bowl of greek yogurt mixed with oats and topped with purely elizabeth maple pecan granola, fruit, and the last of my glazed donut coconut cashew butter! Perfect for the sweet tooth of mine. And ohh pwease do yourself a favor and try this granola. I think the chocolate sea salt is my absolute favorite right now 🙂

ss2

And I thought I would share this picture of my mom and I because she is prettier than any food picture and she is my best friend ❤ss7Lawl at the lady who photobombed us. She jelly.

So tell me,

Do you have a shopping partner?

Any weird food combos you like that no one understands?