If you have been following me for a while, you might be familiar with my story. While I like to consider myself fully recovered- I recently had to take a second look at that.
For the longest time, I have maintained a weight that is not healthy enough for me. I may look like your average runner or a petite built girl but I really do not believe this is where my body functions best. You see, we all have a genetic set point. This is where our bodies like to be, they function the best, and hormones are regulated normally.
I am not there- and haven’t been since I was 13. I became comfortable but doesn’t mean it is okay to continue living my life under my body’s set point. That’s not a true recovery and if I kept that up, I may never have a chance to have kids.
What’s worse? I turned to exercise.
It made me feel good. Powerful. It gave me a hobby and a passion…. but at what point does this become an obsession in disguise?
When you start thinking about it all day. When you feel anxious for not going that day. You use it as a way to maintain your shape. When you can’t concentrate on anything else because you just feel like moving. Fear, fear,fear. It’s not okay. And I admit to all of these. And that’s why I stopped.
No lifting weights. This may not seem like an “intense” exercise like cardio but it still places a lot of stress on the body. Positive stress some may say, but not for someone with a restrictive history and who’s body is not functioning the way it should be. Too much stress of any kind and not having enough fat on your body is totally not okay for a woman. I was waking up most mornings at 5 am and training fasted. I still was feeding my body, just not enough.
If this is a game, I’m done playing.
It’s been 10 days without it and here’s what I has happened: NOTHING. I have been eating WAY more, resting WAY more, and actually concentrating on things in my life that do matter. At first, my anxiety sky rocketed and I had some shitty days… but after the first week I started to feel okay. My body didn’t blow up. I didn’t gain a bunch of weight despite eating as much as I have. As much as it’s hard to admit this, my mind and body are actually kind of enjoying this break. It’s nice to not stress about getting up and rushing through my workout before class, not being on my specific time schedule, being more mindful about the things I do throughout the day, nourishing my body with all the food, and reminding myself that change may be hard, but in the end it will be so worth it.
I want to love my body. I want to accept that it is going to change a lot throughout my lifetime but that’s normal. I will accept that people may notice me bigger but why the hell should that matter? They have no room to judge for all that I have put my body through. The people in my life that truly matter are the ones that see beyond my physical appearance and love me for who I am.
This article I read the other night was completely eye-opening and motivates me to keep doing what I am doing: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brave-girl-eating/201008/shes-not-skinny-is-she
Another great read that I think ANYONE will eating issues, body image issues, exercise addiction, so on… should read this:
It is a longer read but so informational and something I wish I took more serious before. There are also several other articles on this site that are tremendously true and helpful for those recovering.
Your health is not a joke. Take it serious and be okay with asking for help.
Always feel free to email me ❤