Every day when I look into the mirror, I see a changed woman. I am not longer a girl. I have to unbutton my shorts instead of sliding them on. My clothes fit more snug. I have a little crease where my armpit meets my tank top. I have a new layer protecting my belly.
But all these little things I see in the mirror reflect someone that is strong. No, I’m not egotistical to admit that. I am strong. I never gave up. I didn’t let anorexia take my life. And this is the woman that grew from it.
Sometimes it does make a situation uncomfortable when I look at other girls who look smaller than me. I will admit I let my self-consciousness creep in and it makes me feel insecure. But then I remember that they may be thinking the same thing about me. We often are so critical of ourselves that we forget how other people perceive us. You don’t need to seek reassurance from ANYONE. Instead, learn to do it for yourself. Take control over your own life and own up to it!
I don’t want to be remembered as a small, frail or weak girl. Down the line, being small is not what makes an impact on others lives… not even your own. Being healthy gives you personality, desires, and more passion than any eating disorder will let you have.
So, I’m not the “smallest” girl anymore. When people see me, they would have never known what I had gone through, and that is absolutely refreshing. Because I am not my past. I will not make my past or recovery my lifestyle. I am who I am today and from here on out I will always be striving to be a better version of myself. I will find new passions and hobbies. I will make a shit ton of mistakes but I will pick myself up and try again.
I am relearning to love myself, just as when I was a little kid. Remember those days? When the little pooch on your stomach never crossed your mind? When all you looked forward to was getting an extra scoop of ice cream with your family? When you had the most self-confidence and spoke your mind like most little kids do? Not saying you have to be a little kid or the person you were before, just know that you CAN recreate yourself and be happy, regardless of your size.